Late Night Snark: Dinner Is Served Edition
“Last week Trump ate dinner at Mar-a-Lago with Kanye West and a prominent white supremacist named Nick Fuentes. We don’t know exactly what happened at that dinner except that no one ordered latkes.”
“Only Donald Trump would defend himself by saying, I was only planning to eat with one anti-Semite.”
You are now below the fold. Sorry, no public bathrooms.
“The Senate voted to pass the Respect for Marriage Act, which would enshrine marriage equality in federal law. I feel so proud to live in a country where anyone, regardless of their sexuality, can disagree for decades about the right way to load a dishwasher. (You don’t need to pre-rinse; that’s just washing the dishes before they go in the dishwasher. Don’t wash them—that’s the thing the dishwasher went to college to learn!)”
“While the potential collapse of [Twitter] has been sad for the workers and for those who have relied on it, there is undeniably something a little satisfying about a guy who is so desperate to be perceived as cool and funny on the internet that he paid 44-billion dollars to make it happen, only to discover that he still somehow couldn’t afford it.”
“Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“Republican senator Ted Cruz posted a picture with former Democratic presidential hopeful Andrew Yang. Though if he’s hanging out with Ted Cruz, I can guarantee he’s no longer Democratic or hopeful.”
And two years ago:
“Attorney General William Barr just announced that he has not uncovered any evidence of widespread voter fraud that would change the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. It’s so weird that they didn’t find evidence of the very thing they never backed up with any evidence.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 2, 2022
Note: As of this weekend you may now officially start walking in a winter wonderland. Wear sturdy shoes, always pass slower walkers on the left, and watch out for Parson Brown and his “grabby hands.” —Dept. of Public Safety
By the Numbers:
Days ’til voting in the Georgia senate runoff election ends: 4
Days ’til the Fourth Avenue Winter Street Fair: 7
Revised GDP for the 3rd quarter, up from 2.7%: 2.9%
Date on which the last witness was interviewed by the House Jan. 6 Committee: 11/30/22
Amount of Maine’s budget surplus this year under Democratic Gov. Janet Mills and the Democratic-controlled legislature, some of which will be used to help low-income Mainers with their heating bills this winter: $282 million
Age of Fleetwood Mac’s Christine McVie when she died Wednesday: 79
Year McVie’s hit Don’t Stop—which became Bill Clinton’s campaign theme song in 1992—was written: 1976
Puppy Pic of the Day: Firefighters had to do the saving when it was discovered that Lassie was passed out drunk on the couch…
CHEERS to our new DEEP STATE overlords. It’s a well-known FACT that the House DEMONRAT leadership BOTS are the ones who really CONTROL THE LEVERS OF POWER in the United States. Now that CRAZY NANCY and her WOKE CABAL of STAR CHAMBER ELDERS including SHIFTY ADAM SCHIFF has completed their task of IMPLANTING MICROCHIPS in all Americans and FLOODING all the polling places with CRIMINALS and ILLEGALS, they’re stepping down from their CANCEL CULTURE DICTATOR POSITIONS so they can concentrate on LOOTING THE TREASURY and REPOPULATING THE SKIES WITH CHEMTRAILS. So who are the new TYRANTS elected through MASSIVE FRAUD via ballots laced with BAMBOO FIBERS who will lead the HATE AMERICA FIRST movement? Let’s find out:
Rep. Hakeem Jeffries, 52, of New York will become “the first Black person to lead one of the two major parties in either chamber of Congress.” He’ll start out as minority leader, and graduate to Speaker of the House when Democrats take back control in 2024.
Rep. Katherine Clark, 59, of Massachusetts will be “#2” minority whip.
Rep. Peter Aguilar, 43, of California will chair the House Democratic caucus.
Not a straight white male in the bunch. REVERSE RACISM! IMPEACH!
CHEERS to another joyous noel at The People’s House. First Lady Jill Biden unveiled the White House holiday decorations this week, and the work done by her and her 100 volunteers from all 50 states are quite a contrast to the four years of darkness and dystopia thrown together by the previous president’s demon-eyed mate, aka Mrs. “who gives a f*ck about the Christmas decorations.” Wanna see? Huh huh huh? Ya wanna?
Those are peace doves and ribbons that list all the states in alphabetical order. Meanwhile, the tree at Mar-A-Lago will be festooned with the Trump family’s favorite states: chaos, carnage, confusion, delusion, rage, and denial.
CHEERS to America’s cleaning service. 52 years ago today, the Environmental Protection Agency was born during the reign of that shameless Marxist commie Richard Nixon. Under his orders, government “life panels” were created to ration environmental care by putting competent bureaucrats between you and your polluter under the guise of collectively “protecting human health and the environment.” It was just one more way the Republicans tried to take power away from the individual and use it to advance their radical socialist agenda. Today, thoroughly embarrassed by their un-American blunder, Republicans have been doing their best to shrink the EPA and erase any connection between themselves and promotion of America’s general welfare. Because, as their current bumper sticker slogan says: “Clean Air Promotes Lazy Lungs.”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to slaying Ann Coulter’s idol. 68 years ago today, the Senate voted 67-22 to condemn Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin for “conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute.” Three years later the bitter, broken man would be dead of cirrhosis of the liver. The takeaway lesson for our modern age: everyone start sending Ron Johnson liquor for Christmas.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to “warm up” for like 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good times.
For news junkies, the weekend starts tonight with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew making sense of the latest crazy happy newsy time. Tonight at 11, Daniel Craig, Emma Thompson, and Sir Ian McKellen are guests on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America). The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The new Knives Out sequel is the latest draw.) The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. (There’s also some world soccer tournament going on this weekend, but it’s taking place in a shithole country and is run by a shithole organization, so screw it.) Oh, and if you’re troubled by insomnia, you’ll find the cure on PBS at 8:30 when Mike Pence shows up on Firing Line.
Actress Keke Palmer hosts Saturday Night Live. Sunday on 60 Minutes: an interview with French president Barney Macron, an update on Africa’s Gorongosa national park, and a profile of the #1 pool player in the world. Bart discovers a profitable glitch in a video game on The Simpsons, and Brian dates a carny on Family Guy. After that, you’re on your own.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Newly-elected #2 House Democrat Katherine Clark of Massachusetts; Israeli President Bibi Netanyahu.
This Week: Incoming House Democratic Leader Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Nate Silver aka “Poblano” here at Daily Kos; Rep. Dave Joyce (The Cult-OH).
CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH); Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Rep-elect Mike Lawler (The Cult-NY).
Face the Nation: SecState Antony Blinken; Rep Pete Aguilar (D-CA); former Attorney General Eric Holder; Rep. Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); Bank of America chief executive officer Brian Moynihan.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Joni Ernst (The Cult-IA) and Angus King (I-ME); Mike PenZzzzzzzzzzz….
Ten years ago in C&J: December 2, 2012
JEERS to Ho-Ho-Home away from Ho-Ho-Home. The good news: Santa Claus doesn’t have to worry about not being able to live at the North Pole. Yes, even if all our icecaps melt, Santa will always be able to live at the North Pole. The bad news: his backup North Pole is on Mercury. If that comes to pass, his sleigh is gonna need a warp drive. And a much bigger pee cup.
And just one more…
CHEERS to running another ring around the sun. Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels, along with a giant slice of carrot cake) to Michael (aka “Common Sense Mainer” here at DKos), my sweetie of 29½ years, who turns [Redacted]-xty today. Wow, [redacted]-xty years. I won’t divulge exactly how spring-chickeny or ancient he is, but here are a few clues from the history archives circa nineteen hundred and [redacted]…
> Kennedy was president and dealing with the Cuban missile crisis
> Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
> The first Beatles single was released
> Gas was 28 cents per gallon
> To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released
> John Glenn orbited the earth
> The Berlin wall was fresh and new
> Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
> The Space Needle in Seattle, Washington was completed in time for the World’s Fair
> Barack Obama preceded Michael’s arrival by exactly four months.
> Marvel’s Spider-Man made his debut in the Amazing Fantasy #15 comic book
He shares his [Redacted]-xtieth birthday today with now-free Britney Spears (41), Lucy Liu (54), the ghost of Harry Reid (83), and Stone Phillips (68). And if they’re true to form, I’ll get a call from the cops around 2am, and shortly thereafter I’ll give my sweetie his traditional present: bail.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?